Sunday, 3 February 2013

"Oh my God!! We are all going to die!!"

Yesterday evening was almost identical to last Saturday. My girl friends, half drunk and semi naked despite it being February, turned up at my place. 

My flat has become the place where we hang out before I navigate the six of us towards the centre of Bristol, where I as usual, I am sure, will end up in a smelly pub. Yummy!

Why they insist on wearing those skimpy outfits I don't know? Because they were freezing cold their nipples looked like hazel nuts, that might just blow a hole in the material any minute and hit you straight in the eye. You properly have to be a male butcher to appreciate all the meat on display!

Before they were through the front door, I was greeted by the first "Oh my God!!".

In case you wonder, this phrase makes up about ~75% of the 'sparkling' conversation we share amongst us. Trust me it is riveting stuff! At times we seem to make less sense than a group of toddlers babbling incoherently, while slinging porridge onto the nearest wall.

And so it continues...
"Oh my God!! Laura, are you wearing knickers?" (Just so there is no confusion, I ALWAYS wear knickers. But to my surprise last night I learnt that Kathy apparently doesn't!) 

"Oh my God!! Why are you wearing three layers of clothes?"
"Oh my God!! Let me help you look like a professional tart."
"Oh my God!! Is that your face? Quick. Quick! get me a bag!"

I try to move the conversation on. So I tell them that Koalas have been known to get so high on eucalyptus leaves that they have actually fallen from their tree. No response.

So I turn it up a notch and tell them that asteroid 2012 DA14 is heading towards Earth and will miss us by just 17,000 miles. What a stupid idea that turned out to be!

"Oh my God! Really, it is terrible. What will happen?"
"Towards Earth? Oh my God!!"
"You mean this Earth? Oh my God, oh my God!!"

 Panic spreading throughout my flat like a bad smell down wind.

"Oooooooooh mmmmmmmmmy Goooooooooooood!! We are all going to die!!!"
Bev, more than a little drunk, threw herself head first onto my bed and sobbed away in my pillow, leaving random black mascara stains all over it. 

"Do you think it is safe to go out tonight?," whispered Kathy.
I wanted to say: "Nope, it is landing next door in five minutes. Nice knowing you all."

But I couldn't get myself to be rude or sarcastic towards them. We have known each other such a long time, They are my friends, always will be, and despite their many faults and lack of common sense and knowledge, I do love them. I really do. Bless!

About half an hour and 300 "Oh my God!!" later, they have finally all calmed down, and we trotted off, arm-in-arm as best friends do, me forgiven for raising such a complicated and scary subject on a night out, down the stairs we went, into the smelly world of pubs and sweaty night clubs.

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