Monday, 11 February 2013

Fitting it all in or how NOT to raise the kids

My girl friends never ceases to amaze me. Take Alison for example. She is a mother of two wonderful kids - Jack four and Diana eight - and it shows! 
She let herself go a lot when she was pregnant, ate everything in sight. (Jack and Diana are not fussy eaters, and I am pretty sure they have their mum to thank for that!)

But despite her generous physical proportions she still insists on wearing a size 14. This weekend, she turned up at my flat asking for help closing the zip on the side of this little black number she had somehow shoehorned herself into. Her husband had already tried and failed, so it was up to me, Bev and Tracy to help 'fold' her into the dress. While Bev and Tracy did the folding, I carefully edged the zip upwards, trying to avoid bits of skin, boob or nipple getting caught.

When we were done, Alison was blue in the face and unable to breathe. Before she passed out she manage to smile a little and whisper: "Thank y...".

A couple of weeks ago, I called her and asked when she and the kids were up to. It turned out that she was upstairs on Facebook, so she could listen out for Jack, who was asleep, while Diana was watching "Resident Evil III" on DVD downstairs. 
Let me just repeat that in case you didn't get it the first time. Her eight year old daughter was watching "Resident Evil III"!

"Are you sure that film is good for her?", I asked dumbfounded.
"Yeah, she will be fine, she has already seen I and II," came the answer. "She seems to like horror films."

Sure I know it is not my place to judge how Alison raises her kids. But am I the only one who is thinking: "WHAT THE FECK!?!" 
It is official! Alison's common sense, whatever little there was in the first place, has been completely replaced by body fat.

I have decided NOT to give Diana a hamster for her next birthday.  God knows what she might do to the poor thing?
"Mummy, mummy, the hamster was evil, so I decided to eat it."

Not really sure what you give to a little girl, who can watch Resident Evil III without wetting her bed afterwards! Maybe a 'My Little Pony' DVD - just to even things out?!

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