Friday, 29 March 2013

How to steal other people's money

What the heck just happened in Cyprus?! Incompetent, bankrupt Government asks their European 'friends' to lend them 10bn Euro to rescue the country from collapse.

Cyprus: "We are on the verge of bankruptcy. Please help."
EU partners: "How bad is it?"
Cyprus: "Let's put it this way. Our President has more spare change down the back of his sofa than there is available cash in our national bank."
EU Partners: "Auch! Been a naughty boy have we?"
Cyprus: "Please help, we need a 10bn Euro loan."
EU Partners: "Okay, no problem"
Cyprus: "Thank you so much!"
EU Partners: "No problem, what are friends for. We are one big happy family right? By the way we forgot to mention that to get the loan you will need to find 5nb Euro first."
Cyprus: "But we are bankrupt!?"
EU Partners: "You will think of something." 

And so they did! I wonder what 'financial genius' first came up with the idea that the Cypriot Government could simply steal a load of money from ordinary savers. Quick, get the Nobel price for finance out.

Makes you wonder why Cyprus needed a loan in the first place. Surely the Cypriot Government could just steal the full 10bn Euro. Or why not make it 20bn Euro - just to be on the safe side. I mean, when you are able to get hold of other people's money, make sure you use both hands!

I love the irony of it all. The Cypriot Government has made a major mess, but when it comes to cleaning it up - everyone is suddenly in it together.

A Cypriot Government spokesman suggested that it was the people's own fault, having elected such an incompetent Government in the first place!

Now I finally understand why they have the 'right to bear arms' in the USA. 
"So you want to steal my money? Well, let's see what Smith & Wesson thinks about that!"

Sunday, 24 March 2013

Popcorn, bloody popcorn!

I don't like popcorn. Why? Because bits of shell get stuck in between my teeth forever. 
While watching 'Die Hard 1' I ate a large bucket of popcorn. Naturally a stubborn piece of shell got stuck and it was still stuck by the time 'Die Hard II' was released. After that I stopped eating popcorn.

Simon and I went to the cinema last night to see 'Parker'. It was my treat, so I wanted to pay for the tickets.

"Two tickets for Parker please," I requested from the young man operating the till. He had a metal stud by each temple, at the end of his eyebrows, and one though the skin under his lower lip.
"Do you want popcorn with that?" he replied without looking up from the till.  
"No thank you, and I don't want fries either," I replied with a smile. He looked up, clearly confused by my attempt of a joke.
"We do small, medium or large."
"No, just the tickets please."
"And we do sweet or salted?" His finger poised on the till, ready to take my order.
"I don't want popcorn."
"Okay, how about you boyfriend?" He looked past me at Simon, who was patiently waiting for me to return. "Does he want popcorn?"
"If you buy two large popcorn, you get the second half price," suggested metal head, who  clearly had a bright future ahead of him as an irritating double-glazing salesman.
"Okay Mr & Mrs Townsend, that's three exterior windows and a patio door. Do you want popcorn with that?"

The situation reminded me of a story that Simon had told me. Years back he had been to Tunisia in North Africa on holiday when we was hassled by a street vendor, who wouldn't let he leave without selling him a carved wooden mask.

"You buy beautiful mask, yes? Only 75 dinar"
"70 dinar and beautiful mask is yours. You buy, yes?"
"Okay I see, you want more. Okay I give you more. 70 dinar and you can kiss my wife, and then you buy wooden mask?"
"You tough, but I not give up. 70 dinar, you kiss my wife and sleep with my best camel, and then you buy beautiful wooden mask. Yes?"
"No, I must go now."
"Wait, okay, okay! I understand. 65 dinar, you sleep with my wife and my best camel, and then you buy my beautiful wooden mask? Yes?"
"No, I really must go now"
"Wait, I give you final offer! 60 dinar, yes? And you sleep with me and my wife, together or separate, whatever you want, and then you sleep with my best camel, and I lend you ladder so you can reach, and then you buy my beautiful wooden carved mask, yes?"

I finally returned to Simon with our Parker movie tickets, without popcorn I am happy to note, and we quickly found our seats. It was an excellent film. Only negative was when I had to turn around and shush two men behind us, who was eating - guess what - popcorn very laud indeed.

After the movie, on the way back in the car, I noticed that something was not quite right 'downstairs'. I was itching a lot and wondered if Simon had been kind enough to give me a nasty STD?

Back at my flat I locked myself in the loo. I pulled my trousers and knickers down to have a closer look at the itching. And guess what I found in my knickers. Bits of bloody popcorn!!
The only explanation that Simon and I could come up with was that the men behind us didn't like that I had shushed them, and hence, they had decided to drop bits of popcorn down my back, while I was engrossed in the movie. Or as Simon suggested, maybe they were just messy eaters?

Either way I now hate popcorn more than ever before - whatever they are stuck between my teeth or somewhere else!