Wednesday, 20 February 2013

A disturbing bedtime story

Following on from yesterday's Blog about my boyfriend Simon and his leaky behind I just have to share what happened later that evening!

While we were watching a film on the telly, and being cosy on the sofa, Simon kept whispering in my ear that he was going to 'show me a good time' afterwards. As soon as he had said it, he 'kissed' me. I write 'kissed' though it involved Simon trying to lick the little thing that hangs down at the back of my throat.

That I wasn't sick all over him was more by luck than good manners on my part! 

Later as we were undressing and getting ready for bed, me just in my knickers and Simon still in his stripy socks and underpants, Simon pushed me over so I was lying on the bed on my back. He then grabbed both my legs and forced me into a position that can best be described as 'knees-to-the-ears and boobs-in-your-face'.

There I was, blind and half deaf, with a burning sensation down my spine as if one or more  discs were about to slip out of place, when I heard Simon excitedly ask me if I 'was ready to be nailed to the bed?'.

Now, I don't know about you, but I see two disturbing explanations why Simon, would ask such a question.
Either Simon had been taking cheap on-line lessons from a retired porn start in how to woo a girl at bedtime or alternatively, which is the more frightening prospect, he had recently been watching American Psycho on DVD and now wanted me to help him act out a scene from the film!

I managed to remove myself from my face, and while my spinal cord returned to its normal length, I had a very frank exchange with Simon - I shouted a lot and Simon sad with open mouth and listened. 

It turned out that Simon had not been watching American Psycho - phew! 
He just thought that a few well chosen lines from his brother's blue movie collection would lead straight to a woman's heart. Well it is not leading to mine! And Simon ended up sleeping on my cold side that night!

Our relationship should be plain sailing from here on, right?! :))

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