tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-89228785271380294232024-03-12T21:22:50.260-07:00The Koala speaksThis blog is about me (my name is Laura, and my friends say that I look like a Koala) and difficult, fun puzzles (I love to make up my own), and general stuff that I want to share with others.<br>PUzzle YOur Brain - PUYOB!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07479546111431241331noreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8922878527138029423.post-75341706016724862912013-03-29T07:03:00.002-07:002013-03-29T11:10:08.733-07:00How to steal other people's money<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXdw_ydfWtAHo5zt_1lKM-3kuIU0g1KCCRmjKYc0rDGQXFhFbTqUjoA1AVf9oRR5rjDpgIe-C-2-14TJi6TDkbXcAzpVbQMQywGvYnxDL456qLBxENupfX7rH-9t9il_yQf6WAJ2J0XTdA/s1600/c.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXdw_ydfWtAHo5zt_1lKM-3kuIU0g1KCCRmjKYc0rDGQXFhFbTqUjoA1AVf9oRR5rjDpgIe-C-2-14TJi6TDkbXcAzpVbQMQywGvYnxDL456qLBxENupfX7rH-9t9il_yQf6WAJ2J0XTdA/s1600/c.jpg" /></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">What the heck just happened in Cyprus?! Incompetent, bankrupt Government asks their European 'friends' to lend them 10bn Euro to rescue the country from collapse.</span><br />
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Cyprus:</b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> "We are on the verge of bankruptcy. Please help."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EU partners:</b> "How bad is it?"</span><br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1SiwgaoH_CcVsXvs1D5Plaa9vcGKBjMbjlOlHdM4_6nV9S8PZwfXPYSgipG3Y8uVTz4KqATS2KSX12GI-lUCgdDm6luSzysGSv2usMSwc1xJ2rsOdD3kgCqIfm082tGR_u-V-M0rMyHsF/s1600/m.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1SiwgaoH_CcVsXvs1D5Plaa9vcGKBjMbjlOlHdM4_6nV9S8PZwfXPYSgipG3Y8uVTz4KqATS2KSX12GI-lUCgdDm6luSzysGSv2usMSwc1xJ2rsOdD3kgCqIfm082tGR_u-V-M0rMyHsF/s200/m.jpg" height="152" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Cyprus:</b> "Let's put it this way. Our President has more spare change down the back of his sofa than there is available cash in our national bank."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EU Partners:</b> "Auch! Been a naughty boy have we?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Cyprus:</b> "Please help, we need a 10bn Euro loan."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EU Partners:</b> "Okay, no problem"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Cyprus:</b> "Thank you so much!"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EU Partners:</b> "No problem, what are friends for. We are one big happy family right? By the way we forgot to mention that to get the loan you will need to find 5nb Euro first."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Cyprus:</b> "But we are bankrupt!?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EU Partners:</b> "You will think of something." </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And so they did! I wonder </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">what 'financial genius' first came up with the idea that the Cypriot Government could simply steal a load of money from ordinary savers. Quick, get the N</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">obel price for finance out.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Makes you wonder why Cyprus needed a loan in the first place. Surely the Cypriot Government could just steal the full 10bn Euro. Or why not make it 20bn Euro - just to be on the safe side. </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I mean, when you are able to get hold of other people's money, make sure you use both hands!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I love the irony of it all. The Cypriot Government has made a major mess, but when it comes to cleaning it up - everyone is suddenly in it together.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A Cypriot Government spokesman suggested that it was the people's own fault, having elected such an incompetent Government in the first place!</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMDTTuV9Nx2ZcZNxDKdNqcgil7ljSQ617a0iNFDL49u9NveOpODUsv4cDGOZu9zeOqovW0wg7bmmKmGPYADsZi4LZlQANVD0Zy0xb0D8nm8vlHhimjrgdzrqfIGXIsGQUdhgrIMZpFcWwk/s1600/s.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMDTTuV9Nx2ZcZNxDKdNqcgil7ljSQ617a0iNFDL49u9NveOpODUsv4cDGOZu9zeOqovW0wg7bmmKmGPYADsZi4LZlQANVD0Zy0xb0D8nm8vlHhimjrgdzrqfIGXIsGQUdhgrIMZpFcWwk/s200/s.jpg" height="88" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Now I finally understand why they have the 'right to bear arms' in the USA. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"So you want to steal my money? Well, let's see what Smith & Wesson thinks about that!"</span><br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07479546111431241331noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8922878527138029423.post-4613211268144658652013-03-24T16:01:00.002-07:002013-03-24T16:10:48.118-07:00Popcorn, bloody popcorn!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgByvjhzdrKOEZ9H1yoyoHYh0VuQs8ngqEaA-Nvr7QtD42t7HHxKLmn5C_QwHogjbzj_zs0fnf-olMgw175I47bTQ4vgLMAEy0Txr_IBoQ3hOKf9PmdTQyEI6JlJkdEr1K8UE1uaCDeV12n/s1600/pp.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgByvjhzdrKOEZ9H1yoyoHYh0VuQs8ngqEaA-Nvr7QtD42t7HHxKLmn5C_QwHogjbzj_zs0fnf-olMgw175I47bTQ4vgLMAEy0Txr_IBoQ3hOKf9PmdTQyEI6JlJkdEr1K8UE1uaCDeV12n/s1600/pp.jpg" height="160" width="200" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I don't like popcorn. Why? Because bits of shell get stuck in between my teeth forever. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">While watching 'Die Hard 1' I ate a large bucket of popcorn. Naturally a stubborn piece of shell got stuck and it was still stuck by the time 'Die Hard II' was released. After that I stopped eating popcorn.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><a href="http://puyob.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/the-man-who-liked-my-fried-eggs.html" target="_blank">Simon</a> and I went to the cinema last night to see 'Parker'. It was my treat, so I wanted to pay for the tickets.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Two tickets for Parker please," I requested from the young man operating the till. He had a metal stud by each temple, at the end of his eyebrows, and one though the skin under his lower lip.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Do you want popcorn with that?" he replied without looking up from the till. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"No thank you, and I don't want fries either," I replied with a smile. He looked up, clearly confused by my attempt of a joke.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"We do small, medium or large."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"No, just the tickets please."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"And we do sweet or salted?" His finger poised on the till, ready to take my order.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"I don't <i>want</i> popcorn."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"Okay, how about you boyfriend?" He looked past me at Simon, who was patiently waiting for me to return. "Does he want popcorn?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"No!"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"If you buy two large popcorn, you get the second half price," suggested metal head, who clearly had a bright future ahead of him as an irritating double-glazing salesman.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"Okay Mr & Mrs Townsend, that's three exterior windows and a patio door. Do you want popcorn with that?"</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgt7ISIr3m22Q0M-6ENKng8eIrvTfcmAc6gpQynxSB2reUsSl-OXNkLfM7GFHJXW5nUxHqAFPL8RqXEDT40QNJHchWw5FRSYnlYHURNoBM78CIn-9dc-5DdkrMEsvttppyz8yyMnUTYoyYe/s1600/c.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgt7ISIr3m22Q0M-6ENKng8eIrvTfcmAc6gpQynxSB2reUsSl-OXNkLfM7GFHJXW5nUxHqAFPL8RqXEDT40QNJHchWw5FRSYnlYHURNoBM78CIn-9dc-5DdkrMEsvttppyz8yyMnUTYoyYe/s1600/c.jpg" /></a><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">The situation reminded me of a story that Simon had told me. Years back he had been to Tunisia in North Africa on holiday when we was hassled by a street vendor, who wouldn't let he leave without selling him a carved wooden mask.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"You buy beautiful mask, yes? Only 75 dinar"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"No."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"70 dinar and beautiful mask is yours. You buy, yes?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"No."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"Okay I see, you want more. Okay I give you more. 70 dinar and you can kiss my wife, and then you buy wooden mask?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"No."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"You tough, but I not give up. 70 dinar, you kiss my wife and sleep with my best camel, and then you buy beautiful wooden mask. Yes?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"No, I must go now."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"Wait, okay, okay! I understand. 65 dinar, you sleep with my wife and my best camel, and then you buy my beautiful wooden mask? Yes?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"No, I really must go now"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Wait, I give you final offer! 60 dinar, yes? And you sleep with me and my wife, together or separate, whatever you want, and then you sleep with my best camel, and I lend you ladder so you can reach, and then you buy my beautiful wooden carved mask, yes?"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I finally returned to Simon with our Parker movie tickets, without popcorn I am happy to note, and we quickly found our seats. It was an excellent film. Only negative was when I had to turn around and shush two men behind us, who was eating - guess what - popcorn very laud indeed.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">After the movie, on the way back in the car, I noticed that something was not quite right 'downstairs'. I was itching a lot and wondered if Simon had been kind enough to give me a nasty STD?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Back at my flat I locked myself in the loo. I pulled my trousers and knickers down to have a closer look at the itching. And guess what I found in my knickers. Bits of <i>bloody</i> popcorn!!</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6U1htFZ0ldcf4D7TOzvRBwdq52yfIKHAsaa7gSOkymgtdWMp8FEgzN1kPqHF_zAZUPA4vdVg7jEhEonDgN695QKuySHKn8QFOYPcBVlxIbzY3NUFiZrpps_JW8B_Dzl2l7S_fRzNuqppl/s1600/p.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6U1htFZ0ldcf4D7TOzvRBwdq52yfIKHAsaa7gSOkymgtdWMp8FEgzN1kPqHF_zAZUPA4vdVg7jEhEonDgN695QKuySHKn8QFOYPcBVlxIbzY3NUFiZrpps_JW8B_Dzl2l7S_fRzNuqppl/s1600/p.jpg" height="150" width="200" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The only explanation that Simon and I could come up with was that the men behind us didn't like that I had shushed them, and hence, they had decided to drop bits of popcorn down my back, while I was engrossed in the movie. </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Or as Simon suggested, maybe they were just messy eaters?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Either way I now hate popcorn more than ever before - whatever they are stuck between my teeth or somewhere else!</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07479546111431241331noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8922878527138029423.post-41639135735609752142013-03-23T04:57:00.001-07:002013-03-23T04:57:37.851-07:00Two men in a pub...<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Simon, <a href="http://puyob.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/the-man-who-liked-my-fried-eggs.html" target="_blank">my dead boyfriend</a>, loves to make me laugh by telling jokes.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Here are a few of his best jokes (those that actually make you laugh!)</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhdOa28RR1Jhm36RssWltwTaLxlMEeApYEUPlNTz1rSvXbuF2NxZ69ngPIvVuzfCYigfdu8gksm4eBRxjw-V2fUL5RC99VUZrQ6zZ_aiFxJ-l1_LoBacnEaCOq4hH57HbkbSx5SZX1tq2Y/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhdOa28RR1Jhm36RssWltwTaLxlMEeApYEUPlNTz1rSvXbuF2NxZ69ngPIvVuzfCYigfdu8gksm4eBRxjw-V2fUL5RC99VUZrQ6zZ_aiFxJ-l1_LoBacnEaCOq4hH57HbkbSx5SZX1tq2Y/s1600/images.jpg" /></a><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Two men in a pub.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">- I am crazy about Diane even though she lives very far away. To keep in touch I have written her a letter every day for a year.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">- Sounds great mate.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">- Not really, she has just married the postman!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Teacher asks the class</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">- Why is English called your mother-tongue?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Someone from the back of the class answers.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">- Because dad never gets a word in.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Father returns to house and meets his son.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">- Dad. Dad! I drank a little vine together with mum and the postman today.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">- Did you get dizzy?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">- No not at all, but mum and the postman did.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">- Really?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">- Yes, they said that they had to go lay down.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">(Simon got all red in the face when he told me this one, as he obviously thinks this is a really naughty joke. Bless!)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07479546111431241331noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8922878527138029423.post-79372902590268929702013-03-21T00:43:00.001-07:002013-03-21T00:43:40.831-07:00The inverted nibble<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Recently, I acquired a new boyfriend, <a href="http://puyob.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/the-man-who-liked-my-fried-eggs.html" target="_blank">Simon</a>, which has left me with little time for my five best <a href="http://puyob.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/oh-my-god-omg.html" target="_blank">girlfriends</a> or writing my Blog. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCLsMmFn2H4SuTmNwZfOUZ4lJWOt2JwebDp6Uh1TVTErKOEf8fMKJK08MboK9oO5HEpisqpxUy2T1Lzp9csvW_037n5gYDMWI9mMGKa7rjikILcAfbrQsTCM7FY87zYIda2VkauY1De6gm/s1600/koala.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCLsMmFn2H4SuTmNwZfOUZ4lJWOt2JwebDp6Uh1TVTErKOEf8fMKJK08MboK9oO5HEpisqpxUy2T1Lzp9csvW_037n5gYDMWI9mMGKa7rjikILcAfbrQsTCM7FY87zYIda2VkauY1De6gm/s1600/koala.jpg" /></a><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Rather than "The Koala speaks", maybe I should just rename my Blog to "The Dead Koala ", which seems to suggest that "The Koala" may not write a new entry any time soon. Takes the pressure off big time!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">As for the girlfriends, I think they have given up on me going out with them Friday or Saturday night, like we used to do BS (Before Simon). </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Believe it or not, Simon and I still managed to run into them - well sort of. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">This Sunday, Simon took me to lunch in a pub on the edge of Bristol town centre. In the evening, the pub is heaving with drunk and sexually frustrated men and women, while the clientèle found wondering in around Sunday lunch time, when they serve up a half decent roast dinner for under five pounds, tend to be able to stand unaided and be less likely to vomit repeatedly in someone's handbag.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">We sad at a small wooden table next to the bar and was tucking into the roast pork with all the trimmings, when I heard the two men behind the bar laughing their heads off.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">From what I could initially make out, one of them had been working behind the bar the evening before, when a group of girls had walked in and sat down at the bar. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">One of the girls had been particular interested in chatting him up, and had after a little small talk asked if he wanted to pop around later and see her inverted nibble.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglHAzG_BHZWtxoJsew8Kqo7zvNtBpXRvq95I4NBaLif2MZuoaXjH6uJ40-AczvfXnzY4NnFQ_6_EtCX_ru8U-aKmNMAEKX6CnnGYLINZAn2aqxWJBU-nOav1tyKFmHB1J93J6FfqPIbVsx/s1600/download.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglHAzG_BHZWtxoJsew8Kqo7zvNtBpXRvq95I4NBaLif2MZuoaXjH6uJ40-AczvfXnzY4NnFQ_6_EtCX_ru8U-aKmNMAEKX6CnnGYLINZAn2aqxWJBU-nOav1tyKFmHB1J93J6FfqPIbVsx/s1600/download.jpg" /></a><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I don't know about you, but even if I was the last woman on Earth, and I somehow did have one or more inverted nibbles at my disposal, and it was up to me to save the human race by attracting a suitable mate, I would be unlikely to say: "Fancy a cup of coffee and a bit of inverted nibble at my place? Shall we say 2 am?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">As I sad there and looked at Simon shovelling down his roast dinner, I could not help but wonder what crazy woman would use her inverted nibble to pull a barman in a sweaty Bristol pub. And then it struck me that my friend Bev actually is the proud owner of an inverted nibble (I know because I have spend many an hour looking at it against my will, but Bev insists that I check it over once in a while to see if it is turning into a 'normal' nibble!), and that </span><a href="http://puyob.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/my-top-5-tips-on-how-to-be-brilliant.html" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;" target="_blank">she is very much single</a><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">A</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">s</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> not to put Simon off his pudding, which was quickly disappearing down the hatch too, I kept my suspicion to myself.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">When we got back to my flat, and Simon had taken up permanent residence in the loo with the Sunday newspaper, I saw my chance to call Bev. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">After the usual greetings and chit-chat, I asked what she and the girls had been up to last night. Only to keen to let me know how much of an 'Oh my God brilliant night' I had been missing, she started off telling me about their evening and how they had visited the pub where Simon and I had just inhaled a large Sunday lunch.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"So, did your 'use-inverted-nibble-to-pull-barman' trick work?" I asked cheekily. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Dead silence!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"Bev? Are you still there?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"Maybe...," Bev replied. "How the devil do you know about this. Did you spy on us?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Spy on you, come on woman get a grip," I laughed "The barman told his friend, who is now busy Tweeting about it, and I just happened to overhear them."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Oh my God!", whispered Bev. </span><br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaOOyhjQWBKFx3djsEEiQa1P-BBE_AFcZa1xLY07oVbLtWROXjCcqbrYcEVdySOVLTxaLO8H5qIVsuKLSPu-jVBz3tXqsWiuLamm-u0v_ANRMV4I2UZ0s4U2jQeX50pQSu4oo1oAMyQND-/s1600/ws.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaOOyhjQWBKFx3djsEEiQa1P-BBE_AFcZa1xLY07oVbLtWROXjCcqbrYcEVdySOVLTxaLO8H5qIVsuKLSPu-jVBz3tXqsWiuLamm-u0v_ANRMV4I2UZ0s4U2jQeX50pQSu4oo1oAMyQND-/s1600/ws.jpg" height="200" width="179" /></a><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"And I just realised what my next Blog entry will be about," I continued. "Before long you will have people stopping you in the street politely asking you to expose your bosom and your special nipple. Bev, you are going to be </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">famous!</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Oh my God!!!", screamed Bev.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"So did it work or not?" I asked again. No answer, she had slammed the phone down.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Don't know about you, but I am keen for Bev to let me know if she got lucky or not, though it may take a decade or two before she has forgiven me writing this entry.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Sorry dear crazy and horny Bev, but the world just gotta know. :))</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07479546111431241331noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8922878527138029423.post-12891979197700101212013-03-13T16:41:00.000-07:002013-03-15T08:33:55.189-07:00Pope Frances I - a real rebel!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVdaBthQyQ38M6Gh8wp_o-RwELx2cSd2Rb2RYP7jx7OH0uLtda9sEAv6_7QXmamNGsDdC5hy6ifeqcSowoicOWWOoZsao74b3NpKS10MzxGLFufD1jOpzXM_58Qy4dCl4ERjRyIrFwV3og/s1600/d.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVdaBthQyQ38M6Gh8wp_o-RwELx2cSd2Rb2RYP7jx7OH0uLtda9sEAv6_7QXmamNGsDdC5hy6ifeqcSowoicOWWOoZsao74b3NpKS10MzxGLFufD1jOpzXM_58Qy4dCl4ERjRyIrFwV3og/s200/d.jpg" height="200" width="186" /></a><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">First the <a href="http://puyob.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/the-pope-is-almost-dead-long-live-pope.html" target="_blank">abdication</a>, then white smoke, we have a new Pope - Hallelujah! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Finally, the world makes sense again! After having camped out in front of the telly the last 48 hours, afraid of going to the loo in case I missed anything, a new Pope has finally been elected. (I guess this means that I have to go to work tomorrow?!)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I just can't help laugh because of the hysteria surrounding the whole thing. One woman, who was asked what Pope Frances Ist mend to her, almost couldn't get the words out. Crying she said: "It is wonderful, I am so full of hope for the future"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAI2wjjFnEEsCR48ogg5COSJ2wciENX4Ki6Te7uN-dGTUWfP3kTml0H3UtVNgwUCn3WvGdFlLGEvNXxxFUy5sl1acIOZdlMwp6w1EvfyyLi1HOT_wo_2xegqoIqk7c1kph4lns5_OzS6d8/s1600/i.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAI2wjjFnEEsCR48ogg5COSJ2wciENX4Ki6Te7uN-dGTUWfP3kTml0H3UtVNgwUCn3WvGdFlLGEvNXxxFUy5sl1acIOZdlMwp6w1EvfyyLi1HOT_wo_2xegqoIqk7c1kph4lns5_OzS6d8/s1600/i.jpg" /></a><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">My initial reaction is why? Does she expect the Pope to drop by to personally help her with the electricity bill, the dishes or to put a good word in for her at her next job interview?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Pope: "You must hire this one, she is such a good Catholic, has never used contraception</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> in her entire life." </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">According to those who know about this Pope business, </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">by selecting a 78 year old man from Argentina, </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">the Cardinals have apparently send a clear signal that the Catholic church is ready to move in a new and highly exciting direction.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Pope Frances I is the first Pope to be elected from outside Europe in 1300 years, he is the first Pope to take the name Frances, and he is, are you sitting down, the first Jesuit Pope. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Blimey, I don't know about you, but I can't take much more excitement. Sounds like the church and the Pope are completely out of control! </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Wonder if </span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">he is the first Pope to </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">wear his underwear back to front too? A real rebel indeed!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Oh! I nearly forgot in all the excitement. The new Pope naturally objects to gay marriage, but he is apparently a staunch fighter for social justice and the poor, as long as they are not gay and want to get married.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrGQ8r0PaEzJZhunDtQ-K0IM2k59BGxK9o81WgHvrPdZoUShopprSRqBemsavplWmxXOPbOSY6fm7PEzRDhUwl1Vp6QDeEP8WhAUceWDySqwsa87KIel6it8XdEwVtFNL0wC3C8KPkQUZA/s1600/td.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrGQ8r0PaEzJZhunDtQ-K0IM2k59BGxK9o81WgHvrPdZoUShopprSRqBemsavplWmxXOPbOSY6fm7PEzRDhUwl1Vp6QDeEP8WhAUceWDySqwsa87KIel6it8XdEwVtFNL0wC3C8KPkQUZA/s200/td.jpg" height="200" width="200" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">At least the Pope is on Twitter, which should enable him to quickly get the message across that he and the Catholic church is staying firmly rooted in the past.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I believe this is called "Progressive Conservatism" i.e. standing still. </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Viva il Popa!</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07479546111431241331noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8922878527138029423.post-20742410900734316202013-03-11T16:07:00.000-07:002013-03-12T03:24:10.205-07:00Mothering Sunday<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvsM6OeKt94dSUNRzSEw8H60kbqe_hmEcrXm55zNtBopNVTDV2hWCqXIwArZqF-OmMPBgaZTS3oa1GHQe1bbqohENQSnl_zIQMLLD9Ru1fPFWqg1FtVvF9EJ_BlzXZScjkzlKSxSND7IbA/s1600/g.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="199" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvsM6OeKt94dSUNRzSEw8H60kbqe_hmEcrXm55zNtBopNVTDV2hWCqXIwArZqF-OmMPBgaZTS3oa1GHQe1bbqohENQSnl_zIQMLLD9Ru1fPFWqg1FtVvF9EJ_BlzXZScjkzlKSxSND7IbA/s1600/g.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Yesterday, it was 'guilt trip' Sunday here in the UK, also known as Mother's day.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I am sure there are millions of people, who on a daily basis pay tribute to their mother by complementing her latest gastronomic creation, making a thankful remark when finding that the dirty socks under the bed somehow magically have returned to the sock draw clean, or like myself keep in touch regularly on email and phone throughout the week.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">An yet, if you don't participate in Mother's day by spending huge sums on a truck lead of flowers, mountains of chocolate, a tent sized card with a sickly sweat inscription and a meal out in a five star restaurant, well then you simply don't appreciate your mother. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">You are in fact viewed as extremely ungrateful, clearly forgetting that <i>she</i> carried you around for nine months, and that you have never really given her anything else than ugly stretch marks and sleepless nights.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">If you dare to answer 'Nothing?!' to the question: "So what did you buy your mother?", well then you are looked at suspiciously as if you are in the process of farming you old mother off to the first and best old folks home, so you can flock her house and last remaining possessions in a garage sale. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Mother's day must be the best business idea ever. Get one 1/3 of the population to feel guilty and get them to spend heaps of money buying stuff for the other 1/3.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">There is simply no end to the variations, a goldmine indeed.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"Really, you didn't buy the guy who lives across the street from you, and who you have never spoken to before anything on stranger's appreciation day?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Or </span><br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiH2Bs1EQmoox27BjUj78pFFFI0oFewepH-YNJq2kxYuYV-PquO6cGgWM4V4SAVTqaZKzqv8lK78thowC7NoGIvVfop-NLw5_mfvvRvzYuH_koCiOC6roW3KxwHRVTeIvzAuNx4yewKBCP/s1600/d.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="193" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiH2Bs1EQmoox27BjUj78pFFFI0oFewepH-YNJq2kxYuYV-PquO6cGgWM4V4SAVTqaZKzqv8lK78thowC7NoGIvVfop-NLw5_mfvvRvzYuH_koCiOC6roW3KxwHRVTeIvzAuNx4yewKBCP/s1600/d.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"No wonder why your dog is upset with you. You haven't bought him anything at all to celebrate pooch's day!"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Clearly scared of being the only daughter in the UK, who didn't get her mother anything, I bought flowers and a box of chocolates. In fact, I was so guilty that I out of respect for my mother washed the car before driving the eight miles across town to visit her. I haven't washed the car for a while, turns out it is white!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">My mother was of cause please to see me, though her joy dampened when she realised that the chocolate contained traces of nut. She has an allergy, and had to watch while me and dad eat the lot :) </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">How sad that we measure love in how much money one spends on a particular Sunday once a year. Commercialising love and appreciation for another human being just seems wrong, and yet we have come to accept that this is the best way to show someone that we care and deal with our own guilt.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Anyway, just can't wait for Daughter's day! :))</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07479546111431241331noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8922878527138029423.post-13346810549518798492013-03-04T13:22:00.000-08:002013-03-04T13:22:27.750-08:00Advanced diplomacy<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRZX844xOCmdjhOocLAaFHcULeIfoPBp3IRIMp9d0Vho75tDFJT5nsWLJJuksEn3RwzWVFZtACV6q-IHviDqqVLazTGEp5fIerGSw_vqQClmLJad7xcWHWAvVI9o7uHEIlws2vyCPGwZp_/s1600/b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRZX844xOCmdjhOocLAaFHcULeIfoPBp3IRIMp9d0Vho75tDFJT5nsWLJJuksEn3RwzWVFZtACV6q-IHviDqqVLazTGEp5fIerGSw_vqQClmLJad7xcWHWAvVI9o7uHEIlws2vyCPGwZp_/s1600/b.jpg" height="200" width="133" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">For once, my boyfriend Simon is not coming over this evening. The flat feels a little empty and while watching TV I find myself missing him. Amazing how quickly I have got used to having someone around to make me tea, pop my favourite CD in the stereo and generally carry out my smallest, yet highly important wishes.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">On the other hand a little 'me' time is always welcome. Firstly, I am completely in control of the remote, which suits me just fine. It stops me from having to watch the BBCs antique road show (Simon's can't get enough of the antique road show despite the program format is as old as some of the junk they are showing off!)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTEMJA2FIRD22ZFr6cW9xQcbNH1Q9ni7dKjs3wRc_Hv-gTNJmFVSb6y-0CHvTmnULIUQnpITmWC692Lf_k8fP4mKFVwZiyaoAh5NXP0p0SutA9OFXBjql_JdBfqAdqcycnrwxFrfmOVSEj/s1600/ts.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTEMJA2FIRD22ZFr6cW9xQcbNH1Q9ni7dKjs3wRc_Hv-gTNJmFVSb6y-0CHvTmnULIUQnpITmWC692Lf_k8fP4mKFVwZiyaoAh5NXP0p0SutA9OFXBjql_JdBfqAdqcycnrwxFrfmOVSEj/s1600/ts.jpg" height="200" width="149" /></a></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Also, I don't have to worry about the toilet seat being left up. It constantly catches me out. One minute I am happily minding my own business, the next I am having a freezing cold ring of porcelain pressed against my backside. As girls do, I first scream loudly, then I swear for a few minutes at Simon, while letting him know that if he <i>really</i> loved me he would surely be putting the bloody toilet seat down. (Yes, I know I could have checked, but it is far easier blaming Simon!)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">While I am busy blaming Simon on behalf of all women, I of cause forget that the toilet seat is up. Hence, when I am finally ready to get back to business, I get the now famous cold-porcelain-on-naked-bum treatment a second time :( That should teach me!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Having settled down with a good book, the phone rings. It is Tracy. She is crying and from what I can hear, calling from a cake tin with bad reception. It turns out she is sitting in her car, having minutes earlier left the flat she share with her long-term boyfriend Steve after a heated argument.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Tracy," I start, "what is happening? Are you okay?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Yes, we had a big fight! A really bad one," she sobs.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Pure Tracy," I say, "tell me what happened."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">An hour later we have to hang up. Tracey's phone is running out of battery and I am on my second ear, the left one fell off after 45 minutes.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">In the end Tracy decided that driving around Bristol all night was not the way forward, and she returned reluctantly to the flat to speak to Steve. I write reluctantly, because my dear friend Tracy did have a lot of explaining and apologising to do. Explaining because she apparently had been receiving txt-messages from another man, and apologising because she, before leaving the flat, had told Steve to - and I quote - "get used to making out with himself and when finished he could always go fry his fat face."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDtQXwuVV1QEemO_lIuzOKZL6fdoNhaiHAhUGpEF3-JWBuaE6hBLf9xEjvf4vAW5aaIdUVYF1k1Ut2I6YJTLXb1D-4gQ2jWqdmagedi0JRp8t9RoifYVNWqAsrMtlkoaeOPVCtnV7kto26/s1600/ap.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDtQXwuVV1QEemO_lIuzOKZL6fdoNhaiHAhUGpEF3-JWBuaE6hBLf9xEjvf4vAW5aaIdUVYF1k1Ut2I6YJTLXb1D-4gQ2jWqdmagedi0JRp8t9RoifYVNWqAsrMtlkoaeOPVCtnV7kto26/s1600/ap.jpg" height="124" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">As you may have guessed, Tracy is not much of a diplomat. If everyone followed the 'Tracy' approach to world peace, a few of us might be lucky enough to eke out a bleak existence in a post nuclear apocalyptic world inhabited by mainly rats and other beings capable of withstanding high levels of radiation.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">And I thought Simon and I had issue! We practically look like an old couple, who have been married happily for 40 years! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Simon, I miss you!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07479546111431241331noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8922878527138029423.post-30299923233068562082013-02-27T04:21:00.001-08:002013-02-27T04:21:05.813-08:00Bev's Canadian manhunt<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijyvrY_Id_fe1MVjCjTMgvPMMvdiNkogHRJgnkReOSSsfLPnQi5bFBOSh-nV-c3pwxXwpws1txcDVR6oIYGYZ-AQeFT6_FTswBRwQwmUExgXsEO0nD-EcwdnKDEpUuA8jPL4s0wg9bdnPL/s1600/sf.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijyvrY_Id_fe1MVjCjTMgvPMMvdiNkogHRJgnkReOSSsfLPnQi5bFBOSh-nV-c3pwxXwpws1txcDVR6oIYGYZ-AQeFT6_FTswBRwQwmUExgXsEO0nD-EcwdnKDEpUuA8jPL4s0wg9bdnPL/s1600/sf.jpg" /></a><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">What a brilliant evening - if I may say so :))</span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I had invited my <a href="http://puyob.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/the-man-who-liked-my-fried-eggs.html" target="_blank">boyfriend Simon</a> and my five best girlfriends - Bev, Kathy, Sandra, Lisa and Alison to dinner.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Sharing your food with others are a powerful way of putting everyone at ease. Exactly the sort of approach to take when introducing your boyfriend to a bunch of inquisitive (read: nosy) girlfriends for the first time.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">So there we were. Spread out in my living room, some of us are sitting on the floor, while others had opted for a deep armchair. Each of us digging into a steaming hot bowl of stew served with crusty bread. The stew contained beef, which is quite a novel ingredient as most people these days seem to be serving up horse!</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPVACRTnHh_WmLjiENcsj61BndnhC4UENJ-CHB81R8y0qUFXd-QOgrElxG5d3SLjNm48EzH9GYqUQXqUdyNiikGPLWJurDHeL6vBF-bwdGQn1BXVeyPDFJIf0-rGfYGA9lVDQWXpYLf8TK/s1600/stew.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPVACRTnHh_WmLjiENcsj61BndnhC4UENJ-CHB81R8y0qUFXd-QOgrElxG5d3SLjNm48EzH9GYqUQXqUdyNiikGPLWJurDHeL6vBF-bwdGQn1BXVeyPDFJIf0-rGfYGA9lVDQWXpYLf8TK/s1600/stew.jpg" /></a><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It does not take long before the first questions start to flow from the girls.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"So when <i>did</i> you to meet," asks Kathy while looking me straight in the eye.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Before I can answer, Bev is butting in.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Simon dear, how large is your penis?"</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Okay she didn't ask Simon <i>that</i> question, but she will eventually ask it of me, when she has me cornered. Possibly when I am next in the loo, which seems to be her favourite place to hang out when exchanging dirty secrets.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Between you and me, Bev is crazy about men. I mean real crazy! Once she went out with this Canadian guy, Luc, who dumped her after just two weeks. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Right after the breakup Bev disappeared of the face of the earth for a week. We thought she had gone into hiding. Mending her broken heart by crying her eyes out, like 'normal' girls do. But no, not our Bev. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">It turned out that Luc had returned to his native Canada, and was <b>not</b> living permanently in England as he had suggested, I can only assume, to convince Bev that he would still be around after she had slept with him! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">After Bev had figured out that Luc had gone back home, she managed to track down the address of his parents, who lived in a suburb of Ottawa. This must have cost her a fortune in long-distance phone calls.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Rather than just phone Luc's parents, she purchase a plane ticket, as you do when you have spare cash but not a lot of common sense, boarded the first plane to New York and from there travelled on to Ottawa.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I am still not sure what Bev hoped to achieve by travelling all that way. And I am pretty convinced that Bev remains completely in the dark on this point too.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHZz3niC6YwYSZGOt16knJm5onRqux6di0_DIk6I9MRKYEvYQ6X6vkSE4cM_B4-U1yo6DU2nq0OPQqWHRn-Zn2fz9d__LeCOxgi05hVzXMvyW3VQpwBfGavl9cFJ3YLz_4ukjABTyT5Ip2/s1600/sc.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHZz3niC6YwYSZGOt16knJm5onRqux6di0_DIk6I9MRKYEvYQ6X6vkSE4cM_B4-U1yo6DU2nq0OPQqWHRn-Zn2fz9d__LeCOxgi05hVzXMvyW3VQpwBfGavl9cFJ3YLz_4ukjABTyT5Ip2/s200/sc.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">After a lot of travelling, she eventually arrived at her destination. Luc's parents must have been rather surprised to see a jet lagged woman staggering up their drive way, while dragging a small suitcase behind her.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Even more so when she knocked on their front door and introduced herself as: "Hi, you don't know me, but I am Luc's girlfriend from England. Is Luc around?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">After she had helped both of them to their feet, she was apparently invited inside for a cup of coffee, while Luc's mum and dad enjoyed something a little stronger. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">As it turned out, Luc was not at home because he lived in a different part of Canada.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">However, more disappointingly for Bev, Luc's mum and dad insisted that he did not have time to see her. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">After having returned from his short holiday in the UK, Luc had a pretty busy schedule on his hands. Not least because he was getting married in two weeks!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">(There is nothing like a bit on the side before the wedding vows start to bite!)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">After that revelation, Bev decided that it was in everyone's best interest if she called off her manhunt, as it was unlikely that the bride-to-be knowingly would be interested in sharing her husband either before or after the ceremony.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">So Bev returned home empty handed. No Luc by her side, not even an invitation to the wedding, which seems a little mean if you ask me.</span><br />
=====<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">To be honest, I am not sure what I was so nervous about that I thought it was necessary to <a href="http://puyob.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/a-circling-shark-and-dead-by-car.html" target="_blank">whisk Simon away to Devon</a>. The girls behaved themselves very well all evening. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Simon now knows who I hang out with, and the girls know who Simon is. Perfect :))</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">More beef stew anyone?</span></div>
<div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07479546111431241331noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8922878527138029423.post-31669650768520093782013-02-23T14:18:00.000-08:002013-02-23T16:06:52.156-08:00Murder in the bathtub<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Right, Simon and I are still in <a href="http://puyob.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/a-circling-shark-and-dead-by-car.html" target="_blank">hiding</a> in a small hotel in Devon in Exeter. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqD1tbiGl2DHxQD8J8FTWqVpn2-W37Ft8zCQxfLhTnPD_4aYSge65Xe2u2Asp7cuCuBV8c5QS1wzekVqTpTQEYwvoQC9IaZ24Ws5vLL9zFu6Lt2CAwqvWGEu2IYEu3OkLEdV2SP_bK0QJq/s1600/b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="139" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqD1tbiGl2DHxQD8J8FTWqVpn2-W37Ft8zCQxfLhTnPD_4aYSge65Xe2u2Asp7cuCuBV8c5QS1wzekVqTpTQEYwvoQC9IaZ24Ws5vLL9zFu6Lt2CAwqvWGEu2IYEu3OkLEdV2SP_bK0QJq/s1600/b.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I case you are wondering, we are not hiding from the Mafia, though it clearly would spice up an otherwise pretty dull day and add a gritty edge to my blog. Truth be told, I just couldn't face my five best girlfriends and their 1,546,983 questions about me and Simon.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">We arrived just after 3:30 pm, and have stayed in the room watching telly. Weird how exciting it is to lie on a hotel bed, watching day-time TV, while raiding the small bags of free biscuits. I am a simpleton!</span><br />
<br /></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Eventually our attention was draw to an old man and woman shouting loudly in the room next door. We guessed that they were in the bathroom together as we could hear a lot of water being splashed about in their bathtub. The splashing went on and on, and so did the shouting.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">As you do, we started to invent scenarios, which would explain the sounds reaching us through the wall. Here are the top four:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">1) The old man is drowning his nagging wife in the bathtub. (I am not sure I find this one funny. It was Simon's suggestion, so I guess I have to be careful!)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">2) The old man is training breaststroke, and his wife is timing him and encouraging him by continuously shouting at him.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">3) The old man is taking a swim with this pet hippo. (Based on the amount of splashing going on this will most likely turn out to be true.)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">4) </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">The man and woman were enjoying a quiet bath together when one of them suddenly had a small accident. Both are now desperately trying to get out of the tub without drinking the water.</span><br />
<br />
=====<br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Simon and I are going back to Bristol tomorrow. Before we get back I will need to explain to Simon what 'death by questioning' is all about, and who the executioners (Bev, Alison, Kathy, Sandra and Lisa) will be.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Crazy how frightening it can be to mix the girlfriend world with the boyfriend world.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">But if I want both, which I do, then I have to be brave and bring the two together. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Will let you know how I get on! Sleep tight.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07479546111431241331noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8922878527138029423.post-3515748760224805392013-02-23T13:03:00.000-08:002013-02-23T13:24:51.320-08:00A circling Shark and death by Car<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKZhyphenhyphenEj-M1-crrhSvHNQH1KtUtuXuDgMP1WdGShHQ0SI63oHlL8ikqfOVoefg2wbYwNER1QJEIpwftcaqo2C0kAQVHxwcS5XU-JaUDfrX2aR6vWmP5OaPqydgqGL_L85bQSCwljK5ieySa/s1600/s.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="120" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKZhyphenhyphenEj-M1-crrhSvHNQH1KtUtuXuDgMP1WdGShHQ0SI63oHlL8ikqfOVoefg2wbYwNER1QJEIpwftcaqo2C0kAQVHxwcS5XU-JaUDfrX2aR6vWmP5OaPqydgqGL_L85bQSCwljK5ieySa/s200/s.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Only God knows (and even He may be struggling!) how Bev figured out that I have got myself a <a href="http://puyob.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/the-man-who-liked-my-fried-eggs.html" target="_blank">boyfriend</a>. She can almost certainly smell it, like a shark that can smell a few drops of blood from 5 kilometres away.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">She phoned just before lunch, and one minute we are chatting about the weekend, the next she innocently asks: "So who is this new man in your life?" </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I could feel panic setting in. The shark was circling and I knew where this was going.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Simon and I have only known each other a few weeks, and I am not quite ready to unveil him to Bev, Kathy, Alison, Sandra or Lisa.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">If I tell Bev anything I might as well go on live radio and do it myself, and just for good measure write a front page article for the local newspaper at the same time. The effect will be the same. Everyone in Bristol will know. Some stranger will come up to me in the street and ask how Simon and I are getting on.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">In short, Bev will tell Kathy, Alison, Sandra and Lisa, and from that point forward there is no knowing where it will stop. They seem to know everyone and a couple of them appear to live on Twitter and Facebook. Like a drip, it keeps them alive!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">So I did the only thing I could do - I put the phone down! I know! Pretty stupid, right? Like trying to out-swim a starving great white with a pound of raw steak strapped to each leg.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Now Bev knows for sure!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I called Simon and explained to him that we were going away for the weekend.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Rather hesitating he asked: "When are we leaving?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Now, I am picking you up in 90 seconds"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"But I am having a bath," came his feeble reply. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Come on Simon, how long can that possibly take?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"Where are we going?" asked my dear, confused Simon sensibly. I could hear running water in the background.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Are you still having a bath?" I replied slightly irritated.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Well yes, but as soon as I put the phone down, I will get out." </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">(Don't you just wish that men just once in their lives would be able to multi-task!)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"Its a surprise," I lied. "See you in 5 minutes". I put the phone down. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">By the time I had finished my short conversation with Simon, I had three missed calls, three SMSs and an email - all from the girls. I turned the phone off and quickly packed a few things in a bag before they started to form a queue by my front door.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">In the end, we managed to slip away from Bristol and have found a little privacy in an old hotel in Exeter in Devon. (This is my first blog entry from Exeter :)) )</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Simon seems very existed. He has told me that he loves me being so spontaneous about the whole thing. Whisking he away in February wrapped in just a towel doesn't seem to have dampened his spirits! Bless!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">==========</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">On a much more sobering matter. On the way down here, driving on some of the smaller country roads, we counted no less than seven badgers killed by cars.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I feel so terribly sad when I think about how many badgers must be killed all the time. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The UK Government has considered culling 80-90% of all badgers in some areas to help combat TB in cows. By the looks of it, they can just leave it to the average car owner, who seems to be doing a brilliant job.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">What a waste!</span><br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07479546111431241331noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8922878527138029423.post-52252656451268244952013-02-20T06:23:00.000-08:002013-02-20T06:24:54.070-08:00A disturbing bedtime story<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEUnyiX8L78jObN_ZgFQx7ByFlkCeHPMxRaokKkh-pXjPeT1U6lbUvrBqbeHu1_T5aQYzeZBmNwbugnP3F1Eyd_psGWHEmeXZ986XHquPv4E6_6rreCbP83-NF32WtDnOVFVYfDQCmmMhD/s1600/sleeping.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEUnyiX8L78jObN_ZgFQx7ByFlkCeHPMxRaokKkh-pXjPeT1U6lbUvrBqbeHu1_T5aQYzeZBmNwbugnP3F1Eyd_psGWHEmeXZ986XHquPv4E6_6rreCbP83-NF32WtDnOVFVYfDQCmmMhD/s1600/sleeping.jpg" height="200" width="157" /></a><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Following on from yesterday's Blog about my boyfriend Simon and his <a href="http://puyob.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/what-not-to-share-with-your-girlfriend.html" target="_blank">leaky behind</a> </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I just have to share what happened later that evening!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">While we were watching a film on the telly, and being cosy on the sofa, Simon kept whispering in my ear that he was going to 'show me a good time' afterwards. As soon as he had said it, he 'kissed' me. I write 'kissed' though it involved Simon trying to lick the little thing that hangs down at the back of my throat.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">That I wasn't sick all over him was more by luck than good manners on my part! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Later as we were undressing and getting ready for bed, me just in my knickers and Simon still in his stripy socks and underpants, Simon pushed me over so I was lying on the bed on my back. He then grabbed both my legs and forced me into a position that can best be described as 'knees-to-the-ears and boobs-in-your-face'.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">There I was, blind and half deaf, with a burning sensation down my spine as if one or more <span style="background-color: white; color: #363534; line-height: 16px;">discs</span> were about to slip out of place, when I heard Simon excitedly ask me if I 'was ready to be nailed to the bed?'.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Now, I don't know about you, but I see two disturbing explanations why Simon, would ask such a question.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Either Simon had been taking cheap on-line lessons from a retired porn start in how to woo a girl at bedtime or alternatively, which is the more frightening prospect,</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> he had recently been watching American Psycho</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> on DVD and now wanted me to help him act out a scene from the film!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I managed to remove myself from my face, and while my spinal cord returned to its normal length, I had a very frank exchange with Simon - I shouted a lot and Simon sad with open mouth and listened. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">It turned out that Simon had not been watching American Psycho - phew! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">He just thought that a few well chosen lines from his brother's blue movie collection would lead straight to a woman's heart. Well it is not leading to mine! And Simon ended up sleeping on my cold side that night!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Our relationship should be plain sailing from here on, right?! :))</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07479546111431241331noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8922878527138029423.post-42514611937557152342013-02-19T00:20:00.003-08:002013-02-19T04:39:43.160-08:00What NOT to share with your girlfriend<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4-PhSdB4cBqHzzQVhpQ4QvJHoRr9X03dCFqwPMoSCoGvQCvWyicZTbFs2NJEiOaJiieMgdc8OleD7BAt1oxFbwrB8Mu_CVJtbtjenStGzGu2Dttxt3oBY5EDF9scGqEGqlVriBZeNv79Y/s1600/bw.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4-PhSdB4cBqHzzQVhpQ4QvJHoRr9X03dCFqwPMoSCoGvQCvWyicZTbFs2NJEiOaJiieMgdc8OleD7BAt1oxFbwrB8Mu_CVJtbtjenStGzGu2Dttxt3oBY5EDF9scGqEGqlVriBZeNv79Y/s1600/bw.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Simon and I are getting on famously. As most couples, we make small adjustments to our relationship as to better accommodate each other. In reality this means that I tell Simon about the things he needs stop doing because they annoy me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Before you have a go at me, let me explain.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">We have known each other a few short weeks and he has already started breaking wind in my company! Don't know about you, but I find that sort of unusual.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">There we are, sitting on the sofa, holding hands, chatting about the war in Syria, and POP! He breaks wind, slips in a casual "sorry" and continues his sentence as if it was the most normal thing to 'share' with your girlfriend.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">While I clearly should take this as a compliment and a confirmation of my fun, easy going nature, which is putting he completely at ease to the extend that he has lost control of his bowls, I have told him to be a little more discrete.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Simon has now adopted the policy - better leave the room than get send home by Laura! God knows what he is eating when I am not around. Monday night he turned up at six in the evening and by nine o'clock, we had spend about 7 minutes in the same room. At one point I actually thought he had gone home!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Besides the fact that Simon is producing enough methane to drive up global warming, we are having a great time together, except for a small 'situation' in the bedroom, which I will tell you about tomorrow. /:((</span><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07479546111431241331noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8922878527138029423.post-45588841021258823262013-02-13T00:27:00.001-08:002013-02-14T12:15:43.821-08:00The Pope is (almost) dead. Long live the Pope.<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgh5nUYV0LSzY4Okh4RIp5Zaal8TUzdRSiBSFVMh0EGNYiBS7m0sGjPKwxBIgV6MAXTyLmIm93qvXsMe1Wr9Yr2VcgVlpsbDh1n5Wh82NznrwNdU4doJnQgw_XeiyerPD8IdAw3W8PuFmII/s1600/p1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgh5nUYV0LSzY4Okh4RIp5Zaal8TUzdRSiBSFVMh0EGNYiBS7m0sGjPKwxBIgV6MAXTyLmIm93qvXsMe1Wr9Yr2VcgVlpsbDh1n5Wh82NznrwNdU4doJnQgw_XeiyerPD8IdAw3W8PuFmII/s1600/p1.jpg" width="190" /></a><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Pope Benedict has shocked the world by announcing that he is abdicating. I note that the message was delivered in Latin, so there is a small but real possibility that something was lost in translation. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Let's hope the Pope didn't say: "I am just popping out to the shops", and on his return finds that the world's news media has set up camp in Saint Peter's Square just because he had run out of bread and milk.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">On a scale from 1 to 10 of the most outrages things a Pope can do, abdicating is right up there with public support for gay marriage or the Pope saying: "Hey, why don't we have a woman Pope next?"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The last Pope to abdicate was some 600 years ago, so this is clearly a big deal. The world's news organisations have gone into a frenzy. The BBC</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> breakfast show was no exception. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">A live news feed at the bottom of the screen continuously fed the public news directly from the Vatican. Millions of people glued to their TV screens hoping to see the Pope enjoying his freedom from office by walking naked across Saint Peter's Square.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The BBC breakfast presenters explained that they were going to ask the all important questions: a) What was the Pope's legacy? and b) Who would be replacing him?</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvvj1eOLxXkKsjOuDmJPRyyHIPtb6UTwNXf5qcgEjPXVCqGF2bzqEIgx4LVn9x8huppIN_V3sNuHtBZAAEs-1UWWq5yEAPENUZ4BuDHOu5BV198YXr1qr7BF0ApplyoAYiQzJ55XPjld4-/s1600/p2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="147" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvvj1eOLxXkKsjOuDmJPRyyHIPtb6UTwNXf5qcgEjPXVCqGF2bzqEIgx4LVn9x8huppIN_V3sNuHtBZAAEs-1UWWq5yEAPENUZ4BuDHOu5BV198YXr1qr7BF0ApplyoAYiQzJ55XPjld4-/s1600/p2.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">For those of you who did not see the BBC breakfast show, I can now reveal the shocking answers: a) Nothing noteworthy apart from his abdication and b) Most likely another out of touch pensioner, who can afford a fancy simmer-frame known as a popemobile.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Why out of touch you ask. Well let me put it this way.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The Pope, who I assume has not been married recently (If he has then that would clearly top the abdication story!), is telling man and woman all over the world how they should live their lives and plan their families or more to the point NOT plan their families by speaking out against the general use of condoms as if they were being promoted by a chain of family planning clinics run by the devil himself.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Okay I hear you. The Vatican has come out in support of condoms to <span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.1875px;">"reduce the risk of infection" from AIDS.</span> Time to celebrate! Let's crack open the alter wine and welcome the Pope and the Vatican to the 21st century.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">And finally there is the small matter of guy relationships. As long as the Pope keeps on living in that big house with all those other men, he is not going to get much support from the gay community.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> Talk about throwing stones when you live in a glass house. :))</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Anyway, I hope he enjoy's his retirement, should give him an opportunity to get out more, while a new 'Progressive Conservative' Pope aims to keep things just the way they are.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Hallelujah! Long live the Pope!</span><br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07479546111431241331noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8922878527138029423.post-42531624988800548362013-02-11T15:40:00.001-08:002013-02-12T00:10:18.369-08:00Fitting it all in or how NOT to raise the kids<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPIqPSaN0WJDGdwB4GRG-h705eKTXnaxbY_g5Al0tMtNIpyNE1vLKCg5C3PkJ2i3mTdn8VAEhCTKUVfBSIbzFqeI-9PRoc2tU_DcOtIuJ9D3Q2V4ACnS7bkgbYIHer7VjHzVsKaUENazX0/s1600/i1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="120" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPIqPSaN0WJDGdwB4GRG-h705eKTXnaxbY_g5Al0tMtNIpyNE1vLKCg5C3PkJ2i3mTdn8VAEhCTKUVfBSIbzFqeI-9PRoc2tU_DcOtIuJ9D3Q2V4ACnS7bkgbYIHer7VjHzVsKaUENazX0/s1600/i1.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">My girl friends never ceases to amaze me. Take Alison for example. She is a mother of two wonderful kids - Jack four and Diana eight - and it shows! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">She let herself go a lot when she was pregnant, ate everything in sight. (Jack and Diana are not fussy eaters, and I am pretty sure they have their mum to thank for that!)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">But despite her generous physical proportions she still insists on wearing a size 14. This weekend, she turned up at my flat asking for help closing the zip on the side of this little black number she had somehow shoehorned herself into. Her husband had already tried and failed, so it was up to me, Bev and Tracy to help 'fold' her into the dress. While Bev and Tracy did the folding, I carefully edged the zip upwards, trying to avoid bits of skin, boob or nipple getting caught.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">When we were done, Alison was blue in the face and unable to breathe. Before she passed out she manage to smile a little and whisper: "Thank y...".</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjd-ULQWR2YXG4RXdkhyphenhyphenD4opnPz009vJv-dRetHFT4OaNvkAUQbDZQZr2lE4bkYBuLclnBEJT0uxdo3gvwcad_Jk6Dkkwxyq21rmo1R-aQur5QrsVt_xE0uhhxlicOC2Qih4vtte_4aj2My/s1600/i2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjd-ULQWR2YXG4RXdkhyphenhyphenD4opnPz009vJv-dRetHFT4OaNvkAUQbDZQZr2lE4bkYBuLclnBEJT0uxdo3gvwcad_Jk6Dkkwxyq21rmo1R-aQur5QrsVt_xE0uhhxlicOC2Qih4vtte_4aj2My/s1600/i2.jpg" width="133" /></a><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">A couple of weeks ago, I called her and asked when she and the kids were up to. It turned out that she was upstairs on Facebook, so she could listen out for Jack, who was asleep, while Diana was watching "Resident Evil III" on DVD downstairs. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Let me just repeat that in case you didn't get it the first time. Her eight year old daughter was watching </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"Resident Evil III"!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"Are you sure that film is good for her?", I asked dumbfounded.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"Yeah, she will be fine, she has already seen I and II," came the answer. "She seems to like horror films."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Sure I know it is not my place to judge how Alison raises her kids. But am I the only one who is thinking: "WHAT THE FECK!?!" </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It is official! Alison's common sense, whatever little there was in the first place, has been completely replaced by body fat.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I have decided NOT to give Diana a hamster for her next birthday. God knows what she might do to the poor thing?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Mummy, mummy, the hamster was evil, so I decided to eat it."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Not really sure what you give to a little girl, who can watch Resident Evil III without wetting her bed afterwards! Maybe a 'My Little Pony' DVD - just to even things out?!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07479546111431241331noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8922878527138029423.post-6261725019224786372013-02-06T14:30:00.002-08:002013-02-07T23:31:45.160-08:00The horse and the beef burger<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuaCT9_jLtuCtXF8_1T2jrOJX3W-U34NaYVLLUaq0dvBZAXznTkmggT9kYPMgxA4cicRvGcSpbdJNiH_9yyehhbH9kSvenJs4uoe82Rdx3ExFhWMuL1HT7H4RWa92azFf9jpnih4fEGJCR/s1600/hb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuaCT9_jLtuCtXF8_1T2jrOJX3W-U34NaYVLLUaq0dvBZAXznTkmggT9kYPMgxA4cicRvGcSpbdJNiH_9yyehhbH9kSvenJs4uoe82Rdx3ExFhWMuL1HT7H4RWa92azFf9jpnih4fEGJCR/s1600/hb.jpg" width="180" /></a><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I love horses as much as the next person. When I was a little girl, I enjoyed riding on them, stroking their soft noses and feeding them apples. Horses are brilliant fun!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Apparently I also like eating them - lightly grilled, and stuck between two sesame buns, with tomato ketchup and a large helping of gherkins. Yummy - not!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">How do I know this? Because I was one of the lucky shoppers, who recently bought Tesco's frozen beef burgers, which turned out to contain a generous portion of horse meat. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I have still some left in the freezer, but I am not sure that I can face another slice of 'Black Beauty' any time soon.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Clearly the UK Government's Food Standards Agency, Tesco and consumer groups are up in arms. Not so much because of the extra horse meat, but because the beef burgers was not labelled correctly!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">This suggest that I shouldn't be upset by finding a bit of Shire Horse in my evening dinner, as long as the so called '<i>beef burger'</i> I am eating, somewhere on the package, has the word 'Horse' printed on it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Sure the label is important, but should we not worry about the fact that when I look at a horse, I see well... a horse, while others apparently see beef! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Someone was clearly not paying a lot of attention when the difference between a cow and a horse came up in biology.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Obviously the UK's food labelling laws are very stringent and as a consumer I can appreciate how easy it must be for a food producer to break the law.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"But Mr. food inspector, I can assure you that we don't know how a flock of horses gained entry to the factory and one by one jumped into the meat grinder!?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">To avoid the food industry breaking the law, I suggest the labelling of beef burgers be relaxed. Here is how this could be done.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">1-"Beef burgers - may contain beef"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">or </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">2-"Beef burgers - with a hint of 'My Little Pony' "</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">or </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">3-"Beef burgers - contains assorted mammals"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Yum yum NOT! </span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07479546111431241331noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8922878527138029423.post-88886089746874341822013-02-05T13:49:00.000-08:002013-02-06T08:22:22.377-08:00The man who liked my fried eggs<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsHfdejmlgOOGImhsZr4mNC6O_uB_YdS3EzeRzU20hC0jIhfDvRGq9pMcHKiqO9km1EgBlVADFGpMJDc9OkSByDDcugoajxLa2e8HGAhssjePpnc-m_ZmjNOM980IjZeZy3Esqq3SRIhLj/s1600/2fe.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsHfdejmlgOOGImhsZr4mNC6O_uB_YdS3EzeRzU20hC0jIhfDvRGq9pMcHKiqO9km1EgBlVADFGpMJDc9OkSByDDcugoajxLa2e8HGAhssjePpnc-m_ZmjNOM980IjZeZy3Esqq3SRIhLj/s200/2fe.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">What a brilliant 24 hours it has been!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Yesterday evening, my friend Simon came to visit. We have known each other for a couple of months, and he pops around once in a while to chat and look at my Victorian postcard collection. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">He is quite clever, compared to many other men, and is able to hold what I consider a normal conversations without mentioning football, his mother or confirming the name of his penis.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">However, I had a suspicion that he was using the postcard collection as an excuse to visit me, because I only have 7 postcards and two of them are duplicates. Nobody can be that interested in postcards, surely?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It turned out I was right. One minute he was shuffling postcards and the next he was standing in front of me, looking me straight in the eyes, asking it we should be more than just friends.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Slightly taken back, I suggested that we could be <i>really</i> good friends.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I quickly continued, "I am not sure I understand, please explain?"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">He then pointed to my heart. Well, I thought he pointed to my heart, but then he smiled a cheeky smile and pointed to my crotch. Men are so uncomplicated in these situations!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Turned out he had pointed at my boobs, not my heart! Still quite sweet and flattering, as my boobs are quite small, like a pair of fried eggs. (I am generally short on offers and compliments from the opposite sex, so it does not take much to impress me!)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">So I have suddenly got myself a boyfriend, who is fond of Victorian post cards, enjoys my fried eggs whatever served during the night or the next morning for breakfast ;))</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">How did life get this good?!</span><br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07479546111431241331noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8922878527138029423.post-53829312440264108912013-02-03T03:07:00.001-08:002013-02-04T05:22:08.287-08:00"Oh my God!! We are all going to die!!"<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvg35Ye0o0gJuuHXv_3ycGWI5sIflIQP3Kj5qI8sB5xFuA9B7s6P8BEn6ZTS7mh-_6LLoDIpnHfKySPNr51tJDIT64mRmTmHQk0BaXGyG9MJcud3Bve0x6BJe1Uzi44988ieU6AX2Oj3sD/s1600/omg.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="221" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvg35Ye0o0gJuuHXv_3ycGWI5sIflIQP3Kj5qI8sB5xFuA9B7s6P8BEn6ZTS7mh-_6LLoDIpnHfKySPNr51tJDIT64mRmTmHQk0BaXGyG9MJcud3Bve0x6BJe1Uzi44988ieU6AX2Oj3sD/s1600/omg.png" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Yesterday evening was almost identical to last Saturday. My girl friends, half drunk and semi naked despite it being February, turned up at my place. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">My flat has become <i>the</i> place where we hang out before I navigate the six of us towards the centre of Bristol, where I as usual, I am sure, will end up in a smelly pub. Yummy!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Why they insist on wearing those skimpy outfits I don't know? Because they were freezing cold their nipples looked like hazel nuts, that might just blow a hole in the material any minute and hit you straight in the eye. You properly have to be a male butcher to appreciate all the meat on display!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Before they were through the front door, I was greeted by the first "Oh my God!!".</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">In case you wonder, this phrase makes up about ~75% of the 'sparkling' conversation we share amongst us. Trust me it is riveting stuff! At times we seem to make less sense than a group of toddlers babbling incoherently, while slinging porridge onto the nearest wall.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">And so it continues...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Oh my God!! Laura, are you wearing knickers?" (Just so there is no confusion, I ALWAYS wear knickers. But to my surprise last night I learnt that Kathy apparently doesn't!) </span><br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9JN6JHfseIBDZ4ZJqtOWhDWPIV7sRwoJq6VcrmHvbKaLUY_9e3-7xVll4eSVjXHsFJQb1hH9XaXlbY3OLeAuCRh_SNYHKuJhNjiDchX13A46ip_4cQ9ECFu8coGksLr53H9PfmdgM26Bm/s1600/shock.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9JN6JHfseIBDZ4ZJqtOWhDWPIV7sRwoJq6VcrmHvbKaLUY_9e3-7xVll4eSVjXHsFJQb1hH9XaXlbY3OLeAuCRh_SNYHKuJhNjiDchX13A46ip_4cQ9ECFu8coGksLr53H9PfmdgM26Bm/s1600/shock.jpg" /></a><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Oh my God!! Why are you wearing three layers of clothes?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Oh my God!! Let me help you look like a professional tart."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"Oh my God!! Is that your face? Quick. Quick! get me a bag!"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I try to move the conversation on. So I tell them that Koalas have been known to get so high on eucalyptus leaves that they have actually fallen from their tree. No response.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br />So I turn it up a notch and tell them that asteroid <span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20px;">2012 DA14 is heading towards Earth and will miss us by just 17,000 miles. What a stupid idea that turned out to be!</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20px;">"Oh my God! Really, it is terrible. What will happen?"</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">"Towards Earth? Oh my God!!"</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">"You mean this Earth? Oh my God, oh my God!!"</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; line-height: 20px;"> Panic spreading throughout my flat like a bad smell down wind.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; line-height: 20px;">"Oooooooooh mmmmmmmmmy Goooooooooooood!! We are all going to die!!!"</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; line-height: 20px;">Bev, more than a little drunk, threw herself head first onto my bed and sobbed away in my pillow, leaving random black mascara stains all over it. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; line-height: 20px;">"Do you think it is safe to go out tonight?," whispered Kathy.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; line-height: 20px;">I wanted to say: "Nope, it is landing next door in five minutes. Nice knowing you all."</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; line-height: 20px;">But I couldn't get myself to be rude or sarcastic towards them. We have known each other such a long time, They are my friends, always will be, and despite their many faults and lack of common sense and knowledge, I do love them. I really do. Bless!</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">About half an hour and 300 "Oh my God!!" later, they have finally all calmed down, and we trotted off, arm-in-arm as best friends do, me forgiven for raising such a complicated and scary subject on a night out, down the stairs we went, into the smelly world of pubs and sweaty night clubs.</span></span><br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07479546111431241331noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8922878527138029423.post-62418001823794110632013-01-26T00:57:00.002-08:002013-02-02T12:28:22.328-08:00Three Step Turkey Recipe for unwanted visitors<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">We have all tried it. The entire family turns up unexpectedly, unannounced and unwanted.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">They of cause assume you are in the mood to entertain and feed them. There they are, sitting at the table, looking at you, smiling, waiting, hungry. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXxDIMpYhq9jR_Rrac9WVsYHpYqjn2ZCV4VYFzD9pLf5zoloHJLfd5YnajrsC7LlIo_wbvvoBFV_TiG4-4DOwnkRLsezegN-Pw6Y0zPeKaMTXv7LRrrfQuAB8DWI6TZc3dnKV_DzyH43kG/s1600/turkey1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXxDIMpYhq9jR_Rrac9WVsYHpYqjn2ZCV4VYFzD9pLf5zoloHJLfd5YnajrsC7LlIo_wbvvoBFV_TiG4-4DOwnkRLsezegN-Pw6Y0zPeKaMTXv7LRrrfQuAB8DWI6TZc3dnKV_DzyH43kG/s1600/turkey1.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">So what do you do?? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Don't panic, my Three Step Turkey Recipe will provide the perfect meal.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><u>Three Step Turkey Recipe</u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Step 1: Place raw turkey* on large serving plate</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Step 2: Cover completely in fake tan</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Step 3: Server with a smile and excuse yourself.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrfIusqFu8ABuXE4pmW7IPcY3YwU0eQLf2rMP4wzyFVVknFl68hkCYZq2ytieISjnPW1q48GMYglRcS8K06RZWZoCoPYZk40-EBO9ns6Z5A-zoy8_ZZcETuOdntwo2skXYkZDcuIuporKh/s1600/turkey.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrfIusqFu8ABuXE4pmW7IPcY3YwU0eQLf2rMP4wzyFVVknFl68hkCYZq2ytieISjnPW1q48GMYglRcS8K06RZWZoCoPYZk40-EBO9ns6Z5A-zoy8_ZZcETuOdntwo2skXYkZDcuIuporKh/s1600/turkey.jpg" /></a></div>
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* If you don't have turkey, use chicken instead.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07479546111431241331noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8922878527138029423.post-25540805189396057932013-01-25T16:58:00.003-08:002013-02-11T12:16:30.893-08:00My top 5 tips on how to be a BRILLIANT friend<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlIiNjuoDx6VruC8Fisn1teOlqMElsvRfH_c0NpOU9WN0oMdm8hcIigW08g3dx7A-1JPOPFIja9H7j4CMDBq6gctGJAM68btVswte24f8XxIX_B3snMIWS4Ehsc07TIafgbUK83MwvOs55/s1600/keep+clam.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlIiNjuoDx6VruC8Fisn1teOlqMElsvRfH_c0NpOU9WN0oMdm8hcIigW08g3dx7A-1JPOPFIja9H7j4CMDBq6gctGJAM68btVswte24f8XxIX_B3snMIWS4Ehsc07TIafgbUK83MwvOs55/s1600/keep+clam.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Been out with the girls, brain spinning, what an eventful evening!!!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Can't sleep, on a complete high!!! Might as well Blog about it :)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I have been such a liar, one thing after another, right from the word go.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Here is how to be a brilliant friend.</span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">If you have a friend, who lives for chocolate and have the wobbles to show it, who tries to drill herself into a size 11, which rips, and you help her blame it on the dress THEN YOU ARE A BRILLIANT FRIEND!</span></li>
</ul>
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<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">If you have a friend who uses so much make-up that you have trouble recognising her, and who wears less than the legal and socially expected amount of clothes when going to the pub, and you don't tell her that she looks like someone who earns her money lying down THEN YOU ARE A BRILLIANT FRIEND!</span></li>
</ul>
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<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">If you have a friend who has been dumped by her boy friend, and who needs your shoulder to cry on while sitting on a freezing curb for 45 minutes, while her runny mascara is staining your new coat, and you don't tell her that she owes you for the dry-cleaning THEN YOU ARE A BRILLIANT FRIEND!</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">If you have a friend who for the n'th time don't have enough money for a taxi home and you are worried for her safety, and you drive her home safely home without telling her that she should get herself a job as the benefits are not stretching to help with the petrol or a generous tip THEN YOU ARE A BRILLIANT FRIEND!</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">And if you have a friend who is still upset about her stupid boy friend that dumped her, and generally seems unable to stop crying and really could do with a friendly face in the morning, and you let her sleep in your bed next to you, despite her looking washed up and needing a bath THEN YOU ARE A BRILLIANT FRIEND!</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Nite nite Bev - you smelly thing!! :))</span><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07479546111431241331noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8922878527138029423.post-15543654087237267802013-01-24T23:11:00.004-08:002013-02-01T11:20:45.995-08:00How to deny climate change in 5 easy steps<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiydgXTTYXvGYHRzmI23_T1oh7MnB9V_7Q4k9P9tr0HMLUjtVdxclnScuyO35_4C5OSlwUbq54X_hdcJVwN-BTDob8KKQRgvQ6sOTwfTgaS84e9YO9GPP0_qV5behLg_GhbPBqD0F4VbH1_/s1600/denial.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiydgXTTYXvGYHRzmI23_T1oh7MnB9V_7Q4k9P9tr0HMLUjtVdxclnScuyO35_4C5OSlwUbq54X_hdcJVwN-BTDob8KKQRgvQ6sOTwfTgaS84e9YO9GPP0_qV5behLg_GhbPBqD0F4VbH1_/s1600/denial.jpg" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">What is the best way for someone to deny that climate change is man-made or even happening?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Look no further, I have made up this easy 5 step guide.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Happy reading :))</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>Step 1</b>: Make sure to mention that it is not your problem. For example, you can point out that you do not live in a place threatened by sea-level rises.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b>Step 2</b>: Blame the rapid warming observed in the last 15 years on the last ice-age, the sun or simply suggest that it is just one of those things. Anything goes as long as you stay well clear of 'man burning fossil fuels'.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b>Step 3</b>: Ignore all scientific evidence compiled in the last 15 years. Try to rubbish all the research by pointing out smaller mistakes you have heard about in the news. Don't worry about the details, ignorance is a strong argument against global warming.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b>Step 4</b>: Make up your own scientific data to prove that man-made global warming is a fallacy. Don't worry about the details or that you are not a climate scientist. Quote often and with conviction from your data.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b>Step 5</b>: Claim that global warming is a conspiracy, cleverly orchestrator by 2500 climate scientists, the world's Governments and anyone else you feel threatened by, in an attempt to make you pay more tax, or for some other reason you are unhappy about.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Finally, using one or more of the above points, post your global warming misgivings everywhere, as often as you get the chance. Remember the more we deny global warming the quicker it will go away.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">If you need further help, this BBC web-page contains examples of people posting denials, making excellent use of my easy 5 step guide. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Enjoy! <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-21163386">Great global warming denial statements</a></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07479546111431241331noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8922878527138029423.post-65616774965024924422013-01-24T00:45:00.000-08:002013-02-11T12:15:23.777-08:00My girl friends are boring.<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">My girl friends are boring. There I've said it! Yes, I am girl, and yes, they would properly 'kill' me if they knew. But they don't and BTW it is true.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">They are really nice, we all get on well, but never seem to talk about much else than make-up, who is doing whom - locally where we live, in celebrity circles and in Eastenders, clothes, shoes. You get the picture. Typical girl stuff. Sometimes fun. But honestly, yawn!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">There are so many other interesting things in the world to talk about. But when I try to point out that the Mars Curiosity Rover is making a bold attempt to discover life on Mars, their eyes go wobbly and they immediately give me that 'OMG' look. If I am lucky my attempt to stimulate intelligent conversation is met with a 'Really?'. Followed by 'Did any of you know that Donna is seeing Nick?'</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Anyway, did you try to figure out this puzzle, which I made up all by myself :) :)</span><br />
<a href="http://puyob.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/poyob-no-0001-target-shooting_23.html"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">PUYOB 0001 - Target Shooting</span></a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07479546111431241331noreply@blogger.com0